the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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