Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
