Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
