I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
