Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
