i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
