According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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