How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
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It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
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The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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