i jhust puked up my retainher.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Randomize
