whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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