My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
