we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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