just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
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