I wanna bring you to show and tell
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
