lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
