i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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