oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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