Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
