My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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