my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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