Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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