I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
not ubering you a puppy
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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