take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
