You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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