My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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