I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
