GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
