I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
