After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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