i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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