You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
