I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
