Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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