true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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