I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
