i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
