tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
