thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
