I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He felt like a one man threesome
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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