I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
