hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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