I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
