Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
