My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
