My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
