I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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