My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
