you're like a bully in the Christmas story
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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