Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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