i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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