At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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