I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
