My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
