did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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