My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
