I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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