when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i was born a porn star she said
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
