you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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